George Carlin’s ‘Modern Man’ for 2022

I’m a modern man. A man for the millennium. Online and off course. A hibernating, twitter berating, ride-sharing, podcast blaring, fact-checking truth wrecking braindead homebody that’s vocally and cognitively dissident. I’m loud and in the cloud. I’m hyper-critical and hypocritical. Mad about race and part of a base. Attention-seeking and Q-anonymous. An anti-social, on media, blindly-following thought leader destroying the environment through Amazon.I’m old money, new business and my IP is BS. I’m an uploaded, downvoted, overly impressionable, under-the-influencer — mega-phoned and microplastic. I’m a lion with a keyboard, lying with a keyboard, buying Trump billboards, trying for the school board. I’m unempathetic, I’m unapologetic, uncompromising, and uneducated.

In a bubble, out of my mind, thinking independently, and following the trends. I’m outspoken, outlandish, outmoded and insane. I’ve got no use for facts and truth. I’ve got no zeal to find out what’s real. I’m a prayer warrior, a meme soldier, an anti-science crusader and government invader. Deep-faked and half-baked. Brand loyal and highly treasonous. My notions are preconceived and I love to be deceived. I’m a wife beating, child molesting, toxically masculine family man. A supremely privileged white supremacist. An alpha-male on beta-blockers. I’m being silenced and won’t shut up about it.

I’m a true-believer and an under-achiever, part of the conversation but impossible to talk to. Upscale, downtrodden, lowlife, high earner. Outraged and part of the ingroup. You can’t shut me up. You can’t talk me down, because I’m far right, far gone, and far behind.

I’m an over-sharing and under-caring pro-gun, pro-fascist anti-vaxxer. I do my own research and misinformation is my occupation. I’m not mad online, I’m just laughing, everything’s fine. I commit domestic abuse, domestic terrorism, hate domestic partnerships and drink domestic beer. I’m anti-gay, anti-semetic, anti-woman, anti-black, and pro-life.

I’m circling back. I’m getting aligned. I’m media illiterate on facebook, I get real on my finsta. I’m a high touch, low impact, subscription-based, lead-poisoned, gig economist, changing the climate and preserving the status quo.

I love juul. I hate school. I like my entertainment art-free all Marvel just for me. Depressed, stressed, and dispossessed. I doom scroll, I twitter troll, I’m dumbed down on my smartphone. I like pretend piety and have crippling anxiety. I’m typing and tapping, flying and tweeting, swiping and snapping, lying and cheating. Ego inflated and self-sedated. A lone wolf who’s part of a tribe. Don’t forget to like and subscribe.