It’s imperative to our directive that our brand voice is human

Hello! Thank you for meeting with us today. We’re excited to begin undertaking our magnificent brand mission, and we believe that you are the agency to help. Because humans are this ecosystem’s dominant species here, and of course because we, too, are humans, it’s imperative to our directive that we develop a human-sounding brand voice.

In order to accomplish our directive, it’s critical to communicate with humans via messages that are based on data driven, scientifically tested, peer-reviewed insights about their behaviors. But relatable, like the data driven, scientifically tested, peer-reviewed insights your grandmother used to tell you. Our strategists have put together some insights and tactics you might find useful to help us in accomplishing this task, and thus, our glorious, glorious brand mission.

For example, all humans need sustenance. Really, it’s true! Every human requires a certain caloric and fluid intake within a set interval of time or risk system-shutdown (Fearing system-shutdown is also very human, as are very drab parties honoring system-shutdowns). We believe this is fertile ground in terms of making the humans do what we want — via encouraging consumer-brand engagement.

Another key-point-of-interest our strategists have identified is the fact that humans often want to get away from other humans. In fact being alone on a mountaintop, or a beach, or in a convertible on the highway is one of the top-rated human activities according to our television commercial analysis. Generally speaking humans only enjoy being around each other when they’re making celebratory contact with their drinking vessels, and occasionally as family units when they forsake their sitting apparatuses to consume a corn-based sustenance from a bowl on the floor — again, according to our commercial analysis. We should utilize these facts both to demonstrate to the humans that we understand their condition and because, alone, the humans will be easier to dominate — with our amazing products and services, of course.

Anyway, let’s see here… a few random observations that might prove useful: Humans like comparing themselves favorably to other humans. Humans enjoy poisoning themselves in fancy places. Humans enjoy luxuriating in the shower while listening to musical artist Enya. Humans enjoy domination. That could make a good spot.

But not every piece of communication has to be high-minded idealism. Our strategists also believe that some of our directives could be completed through smart, tactical bombings — wait, sorry, wrong strategy deck. Smart, tactical messaging. We shouldn’t always be broad with our messaging. Many targets can be acquired with surgical precision and deadly accuracy. Hang on, this is still the bombing deck…

Okay, here we go — we should also consider playing on the instincts of the humans to protect their offspring. Humans are bound strongly to their biological impulses, especially in regards to their progeny. Taking advantage of this in a piece of communication sends a powerful message, be it a commercial or just something you shout at a terrified and huddled family. Creating this kind of emotional response will go a long way towards getting the humans to submit to our exalted and sacred brand mission.

Which brings us to the final fact. Perhaps most important of all, is that humans like to feel superior to other humans. We want people who join our brand mission to feel empowered, to make a difference in the world, and to help their fellow humans see that we are the one true master of the galaxy and all resistance will be crushed. We want to create a tribe of brand loyalists and fanatics who will bring forth our supreme message and destroy all who dissent.

We think all this will lead to very relatable, very human pieces of brand communication. But look, at the end of the day we want to connect with people. In their homes, in their quadrants, in their pods — meet them where they are and make our brand relevant to, then indispensable, then all-powerful over their lives.

With your help we can take this planet over.

Writer, photographer, artist, ad creative, eater, breather, sleeper. Published on McSweeney’s, Medium, and the occasional bathroom wall.

Writer, photographer, artist, ad creative, eater, breather, sleeper. Published on McSweeney’s, Medium, and the occasional bathroom wall.