Only the Death Star Can Save Alderaan

Citizens of Alderaan, lend me your ears. Or the side of your skull with the most intact ear-hole. As you float through the dust that was once your planet, it’s understandable to have doubts about the future of Galactic Empirical governance on Alderaan. But now more than ever we must unite in the face of the rebels, and place our full faith and support in us, Death Star Command.

Just look upon the small chunks of debris that were everything you once knew and loved as they drift into space. That’s what things would be like in a rebel-lead galaxy. But now, thanks to us at the Death Star, we can proudly say there’s not a single left rebel on your planet, and with your support, we can continue to ensure the rebels will never haunt your homeworld again. So, as you hang suspended in the mist of organic matter that was once your beloved family dog, with whom you were peacefully sitting when he and everything you’ve ever touched, every token of memory and vestige of home were ripped into oblivion, consider how much worse things could be. You’d have a small, ragtag band of rebels to deal with. Don’t you see? By destroying Alderaan, we saved it from destruction. In this war against radical anarchists, the Death Star is the best thing that’s ever happened to your planet.

We won’t deny that some have had to make sacrifices. But if it means annihilating the rebel threat, we think losing a mere 99.9783% of you is a loss we can bear. And besides, all of you are still alive — and will be for the next few minutes at least. Use that time to show your support for the Death Star by making your voice heard at the ballot box. Protect the progress we’ve made and send a message to rebels once and for all — “We love our Death Star.”

Please, slowly suffocating survivors of Alderaan, think of the children. Imagine looking into their purple, cold, radiation burned faces and telling them that they no longer have the Death Star watching over them, keeping them safe. Who could be so cruel?

Heed this call Alderaanians. As your skin crystalizes and your eyeballs burst from their sockets, transmitting one last image of the other maimed and suffocating survivors flailing helplessly in the charred ashes of everything that’s ever touched your heart or given your life meaning, your entire planet and all of its history, culture, animal species, and natural wonders, all solely unique in all of the known universe, all beautiful accidents of fate engaged in a dance meant to last millenia, before they, too, join the flotsam, remember the Death Star is the only thing standing in between you and certain doom. So give it your support. The fate of Alderaan depends on it.

Writer, photographer, artist, ad creative, eater, breather, sleeper. Published on McSweeney’s, Medium, and the occasional bathroom wall.