Re: This morning’s meeting

Hello my coworker-bees (Get it? Worker bees!)!

Just following up on this morning’s meeting. Top-line: great work. Like, so great. Everyone is doing a fantastic job! To recap, we agreed on a campaign direction — “Be Great Greatly” (love it!). So for next week, we’ll need thoughts on how we can bring “Being Great Greatly” (so love it) to life. Eric and Miriam, you guys are the only two left on the account since Jeremy’s gone, so you two lead the way. And don’t be afraid to get in there and crack some skulls!

Next on the agenda, we have to figure out the opening to the presentation. Cindy and Daniel, you two battle it out for who gets to lead this thing off. Knowing how stubborn you both are I’m expecting a real bloodbath! Just remember, the winner can always pick the loser’s brains and corpse for thought starters. We’re a team here people!

We’ll also need an extra set of hands on strategy. Bryan, you’re filling in for Tom since his unexpected departure. This is yours to own, so really grab it by the throat and wrestle the life out of it. Just like you did with Tom!

Which brings us to just a few notes about meeting etiquette (I know no one wants a lecture, but sometimes I just have to ‘mom’ out). Please, if you’re going to impale one of your co-workers, do not break furniture for that purpose. We just got new chairs in the conference room and I know everyone’s enjoying them, but that’s a lot harder to do when one of the legs is rammed through Jeremy’s trachea.

Additionally, it’s great that we’re all excited to contribute but please remember not to interrupt your co-workers. As we all know, the established procedure is to quietly raise your hand and bring your battle axe down on the face of the person currently speaking. Splitting their head like a ripe watermelon will politely but firmly let them know that you would like the floor. Butting in and talking over each other is disrespectful. I think it’s great that we can have all out, knockdown brawls where we can curb stomp each other’s teeth out on the conference room table and paint our own faces with the blood of our recently dominated inferiors, ripping out their entrails and draining them of their fluid until the entire conference room floor is a steaming footbath of blood and viscera and still share a laugh at the end of the day, but a little extra civility never hurt anybody. Let’s show each other a little consideration and leave our vanquished rivals bodies undesecrated.

Last reminder (I promise!): everyone is welcome — and even encouraged — to bring your own weapons to meetings. I’ll never forget how on my first day I forgot my switchblade at my desk and my boss just tore me a new one. Of course I have a colostomy bag to remind me, lol. Silver linings!

Once again, great meeting! And big thanks to Tom for bringing donuts!

May he rest in peace.

Happy Tuesday!


Writer, photographer, artist, ad creative, eater, breather, sleeper. Published on McSweeney’s, Medium, and the occasional bathroom wall.

Writer, photographer, artist, ad creative, eater, breather, sleeper. Published on McSweeney’s, Medium, and the occasional bathroom wall.