We Are Gathered Here Today to Mourn this Statistic
“Republican Gov. Brian Kemp plans to open nail salons, massage therapists, bowling allies and gyms from Friday… The move, which is even more aggressive than President Donald Trump’s optimistic call for a May 1 reopening, came after a week in which total US pandemic deaths doubled to more than 42,000.”
-CNN, April 21 2020
Friends, family, loved ones and well-wishers, we are gathered here today to mourn the loss of someone who many of us loved very deeply, and the rest of us knew well on a purely intellectual level. Today, we honor our beloved Male, 68, Fatality Number 33597, — who sadly passed away last week in a completely predictable and preventable way because not letting him die was getting in the way of making money.
As we remember Male, 68, Fatality Number 33597, or to those of us who knew his case, just good ol’ 33597, it’s hard not to reflect on the qualities that made him who he was. Like how his age, health history, occupation, and/or lifestyle put him at much greater risk of dying of morbidity than the majority of the population. Or that special way his projected future economic output didn’t meet the cost of keeping him alive. And who could forget that time he was reported dead on the news as part of a group of 1900 unnamed others? Classic 33597. In preserving memories like these, we can comfort ourselves in the belief that although 33597 may be gone, maybe, just maybe, he wasn’t actually a real person anyway. And even if he was he probably kinda had it coming. In doing so we’ll be able to focus on what’s important — feeling secure that something like this won’t happen to us, and turning a blind eye to the disastrous suffering of others while we make a profit.
In times like this it’s tempting to be a cynic. It’s tempting to focus on the fact that 33597 had a ‘name,’ or a ‘ family who will feel his loss for the rest of their lives,’ or the reality that ‘similar tragedies could ‘play out hundreds, thousands, or even a million more times in an exponential metastasis of suffering that will reach its tendrils further and further into the lives of all Americans in one insidious way or another.’ In our darkest hours, it’s even tempting to think that maybe it’s time to sacrifice the economy for the health and safety of the public. When we find ourselves swayed by these negative thoughts, it’s important that we never forget that a lot of people DIDN’T die. Heck, MOST people didn’t die. No one in this room has died (except for you-know-who), so what do you say to that? Sure, statistically 2 or 3 of you might eventually end up alone in a hospital bed saying your final goodbyes to your loved ones over Zoom like some nightmarish, Kafka-esque conference call, but most of us will be FINE. And that, too, is what we must focus on when we inevitably end up at your funeral, whoever you are — that 99 times out of 100 it won’t be us, our fathers, mothers, grandparents, brothers, friends, or children. Well, really more like 97 out of 100. But that’s still pretty good.
And besides, if we mourn 33576, should we not also mourn the victims of other tragedies? Should we not do something about car crashes? Or gun violence? Technically, the answer is probably yes, but now is not the time to closely examine our society, now is the time to minimize this tragedy in our own minds. Only then, will we be able to appreciate the value of prioritizing corporate welfare over the welfare of our fellow man. So let’s not blame ourselves. As long as people are dying of other problems we’ve all decided we’re okay with not fixing, we shouldn’t feel bad about this one. With so much suffering in the world, the only fair and just course of action is to ignore all of it.
And there is always comfort to be found in the knowledge 33597 lived a full life. 87% full statistically speaking, based on life expectancy. That’s good for $7.917 of the $9.1 million a life is worth, according to the US Office of Budget and Management. Practically full efficiency! So do not despair in the percentage points we lost, but revel in the percentage points we utilized.
Come now everyone, we can’t isolate ourselves in grief and good health advice. Join me in celebrating life by going back into the world and spending lots of money, and rejoice in the knowledge that there’s a good chance you personally will never feel the anger, frustration, and despair of the our country callously ignoring our pain in favor of profit, and even if you do, the profit you generated made it worth it. That’s what good ol’ 33576 would have wanted us to do, and I can say that confidently knowing that recognizing the humanity of others will forever be beyond my reach.
And to all those who have been affected or will be in the future: our shallow, fleeting thoughts are with you.
