We Vow to Give The January 6th Insurrectionists the Strongest Talking to Allowed By Law

From the U.S. Department of Justice:

As the first anniversary of the January 6th insurrection has come and gone without any major consequences for its most prominent organizers, we here at the Department of Justice have begun to hear doubts about our intentions to hold the most influential perpetrators of that ghastly event accountable. People think that we’re going to let the traitors behind an attempted overthrow of our democracy walk free. So let us say now, loud and clear, that there will be consequences for all those responsible for this crime against our great nation. We are going to be sitting down with each and everyone of them, and giving them the sternest lecture that the law allows.

Make no mistake, we WILL be wagging our fingers at the leaders of this tragic event. And we WILL be calling them very bad boys and girls. We will raise our voices at these public officials and media figures. We won’t be yelling, but we will be VERY emphatic because it’s super important that they know that stoking a mob to violence in an attempt to disrupt the transition of power is NOT the kind of behavior we expect from boys and girls who want to be treated like grown-ups and also highly powerful and influential members of society.

Let us make it clear once and for all, that anyone involved in this dark stain on our history will have to answer for their deeds. Indeed, every single one of these enemies to democracy will be dragged before Congress and asked under oath if they ever considered how their actions made other people feel, and how they themselves would feel if an insurrection was carried out against them. There they’ll have no choice but to say, ‘Not very good, I guess.’

In the wake of this unprecedented attack on our most sacred institutions, we’re not afraid to venture into unprecedented waters ourselves. We will send these legislators to bed without dessert. For a week, if we have to. And you can bet these cynical criminals won’t be playing video games on the weekends. No, they’ll be doing extra chores around the House and Senate. There’s even been talk of timeouts, but whether or not we’re willing to go that far remains to be seen. However, it is our guarantee to you, the public, that we intend to tell them how disappointed we are in them. Not mad, just disappointed. Doing so will hurt us just as much as it will hurt them, but that’s a sacrifice we’re willing to make in the name of free and fair governance.

We expect resistance, we expect these traitors to cross their arms and make pouty faces. We expect them to say ‘nuh uh’ and ‘wasn’t me.’ But we will not let that stop us. We will respond with force. We will say, ‘Yes it was too you, and you better apologize.’ And if they throw a tantrum, we are well within our bounds to ignore them until they settle down and start acting like big boys and girls again.

So rest assured, no one will be trying any more insurrections anytime soon. If they do, we WILL be counting to three. And if we get to three, oh boy, they’ll be sorry. Just watch and see what happens. Better not. One… two… two and a half…